Stronger

You guys. Life has been so, so good lately. 

So why is the title of this post "Stronger"? The answer is really extremely simple. Regardless of the fact that almost every aspect of my life is going incredibly well right now, I am still prone to the dreaded anxiety attack. As I'm writing this, my stomach is literally in knots, my heart is pounding and I feel like there is a 100 pound weight on my chest; and in true Emily fashion, I have no freaking clue why. If I'm being honest, I think this post is my own sort of therapy session to explore why I'm feeling this way. Congratulations, I trust you (my lovely readers) with my less-than-sane (yet totally normal for a 20-something) antics.

What do you do when the future is right around the corner, but you're still hanging onto the past by the tips of your fingernails? When you're so close to being ready to let go of all that has made you you, and move on to all that will make you who you are ten years from now, is it okay to feel scared s**tless? Because I'm scared s**tless.

And my friends, it's not fun. It's not fun thinking every day (and pardon my French here), "Holy s**t, I'm a senior in college. Oh my gosh, in less than a year my life is going to be drastically different than everything I've known for essentially my whole life." It's not fun thinking about friends getting married and moving in with boyfriends and that I should be doing the same, yet here I am focusing on my career. It's not fun thinking that failure could be around every corner I turn for the next five to ten years. It's not fun thinking that before I know it I'm going to be thrown into a world that has yet to open it's arms to me and welcome me in. It's not fun thinking that the real world never opens it's arms to you in a welcoming, warm hug. Basically, nothing about right now is fun. It's all down right terrifying.

I'm really good at pushing all of these thoughts to the back of my mind and forcing myself to not worry about them. The way I see it, I want to enjoy this next year with as few panic attacks as possible. But when I'm laying in bed it's hard to not think about it all. I'm excited. And nervous. And everything in between.

In two and a half months I celebrate another birthday, and when I start to look back on this year, I see how much I've changed. My views on so many things-- friendships, relationships, life in general-- it's all changed. I think the thing that's really scaring me the most is the fact that for the first time in my life I feel prepared to take on all the twists and turns heading my way in the coming years. Don't get me wrong, I'm still scared to death of them. But lately when I look in the mirror, I don't see a little girl anymore. I might live an extremely sheltered life, but when I look in the mirror I see someone who's seen enough of the world to know that it can swallow you whole, I see a young lady ready to grow into the woman she's meant to be. Sometimes I miss the "Part of Your World"-singing, curly blonde-haired child that I used to be. Sometimes I can't wait to see the woman I am five, ten years down the line. And sometimes, I just want to stay right here, stuck in the in-between. But that doesn't mean it's not a hard place to be.

If I'm being completely honest with you all right now, yes, I am totally and 100% completely afraid of failing. I'm terrified of not leaving after college and of getting stuck in a place that I love and am comfortable in, but want desperately to leave. I'm terrified of not getting the right job, of not doing the right thing after graduation. I'm terrified of it all. But at the same time I'm not. It's so conflicting! The other half of the whole truth is, I'm scared because I'm ready to face it all head-on. I'm scared because I'm stronger than I've ever been. And if that makes me a walking contradiction, then I guess that's what I am--because I'm beginning to think being scared and being strong might be the same thing.