Stronger

You guys. Life has been so, so good lately. 

So why is the title of this post "Stronger"? The answer is really extremely simple. Regardless of the fact that almost every aspect of my life is going incredibly well right now, I am still prone to the dreaded anxiety attack. As I'm writing this, my stomach is literally in knots, my heart is pounding and I feel like there is a 100 pound weight on my chest; and in true Emily fashion, I have no freaking clue why. If I'm being honest, I think this post is my own sort of therapy session to explore why I'm feeling this way. Congratulations, I trust you (my lovely readers) with my less-than-sane (yet totally normal for a 20-something) antics.

What do you do when the future is right around the corner, but you're still hanging onto the past by the tips of your fingernails? When you're so close to being ready to let go of all that has made you you, and move on to all that will make you who you are ten years from now, is it okay to feel scared s**tless? Because I'm scared s**tless.

And my friends, it's not fun. It's not fun thinking every day (and pardon my French here), "Holy s**t, I'm a senior in college. Oh my gosh, in less than a year my life is going to be drastically different than everything I've known for essentially my whole life." It's not fun thinking about friends getting married and moving in with boyfriends and that I should be doing the same, yet here I am focusing on my career. It's not fun thinking that failure could be around every corner I turn for the next five to ten years. It's not fun thinking that before I know it I'm going to be thrown into a world that has yet to open it's arms to me and welcome me in. It's not fun thinking that the real world never opens it's arms to you in a welcoming, warm hug. Basically, nothing about right now is fun. It's all down right terrifying.

I'm really good at pushing all of these thoughts to the back of my mind and forcing myself to not worry about them. The way I see it, I want to enjoy this next year with as few panic attacks as possible. But when I'm laying in bed it's hard to not think about it all. I'm excited. And nervous. And everything in between.

In two and a half months I celebrate another birthday, and when I start to look back on this year, I see how much I've changed. My views on so many things-- friendships, relationships, life in general-- it's all changed. I think the thing that's really scaring me the most is the fact that for the first time in my life I feel prepared to take on all the twists and turns heading my way in the coming years. Don't get me wrong, I'm still scared to death of them. But lately when I look in the mirror, I don't see a little girl anymore. I might live an extremely sheltered life, but when I look in the mirror I see someone who's seen enough of the world to know that it can swallow you whole, I see a young lady ready to grow into the woman she's meant to be. Sometimes I miss the "Part of Your World"-singing, curly blonde-haired child that I used to be. Sometimes I can't wait to see the woman I am five, ten years down the line. And sometimes, I just want to stay right here, stuck in the in-between. But that doesn't mean it's not a hard place to be.

If I'm being completely honest with you all right now, yes, I am totally and 100% completely afraid of failing. I'm terrified of not leaving after college and of getting stuck in a place that I love and am comfortable in, but want desperately to leave. I'm terrified of not getting the right job, of not doing the right thing after graduation. I'm terrified of it all. But at the same time I'm not. It's so conflicting! The other half of the whole truth is, I'm scared because I'm ready to face it all head-on. I'm scared because I'm stronger than I've ever been. And if that makes me a walking contradiction, then I guess that's what I am--because I'm beginning to think being scared and being strong might be the same thing.

Cross the Lines You Drew

It's no surprise that there are multiple ways that people handle the truth. As I've gotten older, I've found it far more difficult to acknowledge the harder truths in life-- so much so that for a while, I got really good at pretending they didn't even exist. My family couldn't be touched by death, loss, disappointment, failure, and so on. I quickly found between my senior year of high school and the end of my freshman year of college that that was just not the case. I was extremely lucky, but my family wasn't untouchable.

It's been two and a half years since I really first realized that life was going to have major ups and downs, and yet I'm still just barely learning how I handle the ups and downs--especially the big, life-changing ones. Surprise, surprise! I'm not so good at it. If there is anything that triggers my anxiety like no other, it's change. Can you see how that's not so convenient when you're a 20 year old one year away from graduating college?

Falling Apart and Into Place

Anyone else feel like today just snuck up on them? I know I've said that I don't mind Mondays, but I can't help but feel like this one came a little too quickly. But, what can you do? I haven't been feeling the best lately, and as a result my diet has kind of gone out the window. Not to mention I discovered this extremely yummy drink that I haven't had just enough of... yet. What started out as an innocent way to trick myself into thinking I was in paradise has become a favorite! Won't even apologize about it.

Now that you know of the less than admirable lifestyle choices I've been making lately (Give me ALL the carbs!), I'm looking at this Monday as a kind of renewal. I've been so discouraged lately reading all my blogs and seeing all these beautiful women that I've decided it's time for me to really start focusing on myself again. 

These past few weeks, I really got bogged down between schoolwork, the crazy weather we've been having, the fact that there's still snow on the ground and it's now MARCH... but I can't blame it all on the weather.

Truth be told, I'm the biggest wimp when I'm tired. And lately I've been feeling exhausted. I'm sure my lack of healthy eating and exercise has had a lot to do with it, but for some reason I wake up tired and by 3pm I'm just about ready for bed. It's been making me miserable.

It's no excuse. I've been bailing on friends, snapping at my parents, and have just been so down on myself lately. It makes me disappointed. I haven't been focusing enough on the "me time" that I cherish so dearly-- the time I take each day to just think and process and breathe. But it just feels like there is no time!

What worries me the most is that I know life just gets harder. I know that there's a whole other world waiting to eat you alive outside of the college bubble. So with that terrifying thought in my mind, I suppose it's time I get used to the idea of being exhausted. Missing out on life to sleep? That doesn't sound like a life at all! And it's the life I've been living for a little over a month now. Depressing, right?

Life's been throwing me a lot of lemons-- a lot of puny, annoying lemons. I've been cracking under the stress, mentally and physically. Those weeks or months when you just feel defeated? That was my February. But it's March, it's time to turn over a new leaf. Spring is (hopefully) on it's way and that means sunshine and warmer weather!

The Real Food for Thought

The thing is, when life gets hard, when every single odd in the world seems to be against you, you can't let it wreck you. I spend a lot of time being afraid of the world, of how easily it could destroy me. But fear is not what this life is meant to be about. This life is meant to be about dreams, hope, love, laughing with friends, enjoying family, and making time for what matters the most. The reality is I haven't been. I haven't yet learned how to just keep swimming when everything feels like it's falling apart.

And want to know what the other thing is? Looking back on the past month, my life isn't falling apart. Actually, all but one or two aspects of my life have rapidly started getting better and better. Isn't it funny that when everything is really going right you feel just as out of your mind as you do when everything is going wrong? Call me crazy, but maybe you have to learn to just keep swimming when everything-- your dreams, and your future-- are just at your fingertips.

Have a great Monday!

xoxo

Monday Inspiration: Forget the Safety Net

Have you ever done anything that has scared the living daylights out of you? I mean it literally scared you to no end? I know I've written about fear before. I'm no stranger to it. But I wanted to write about it again because writing is how I cope with things. I'm afraid of a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot.

I'm not just talking about scary movies and Halloween haunted forest rides (can't do either...), I'm talking about life in general. I think so far being 20 has been the scariest age. I'm already young for where I am in school, and now it's starting to become more and more of a reality that I'll be graduating college in a little over a year. I still remember my first day of middle school, and thinking I had all this time left to grow up. Yeah right.

We all have our fears, mostly of what can break us. But have you ever been scared of your potential?

You're probably thinking I'm crazy right now. Who's scared of who they could be? Most people just want to go out there and be the best person they can be. And don't get me wrong, I want that too. I want to build a life I'm proud of; I have a list of things I'd like to accomplish, dreams I'd like to fulfill, goals to aspire to.

But I think what's really getting to me right now is that I'm starting to fully grasp the range of my potential. And it's not a bad thing, as a matter of fact, it's kind of a good thing. I'm not trying to say, "Oh my gosh I have so many amazing things lined up for me and life is going to be awesome and go me." I'm not that optimistic.

Truth be told though, junior year has opened up some pretty amazing opportunities. I'm learning more than I ever thought I would (in a professional sphere and in a personal sphere), and even though I've still got a lot of growing up to do, I finally feel like I have a relatively mature handle on things.

This weird thing happened on my 20th birthday. All of a sudden it was like, holy cow, my life is actually starting. There is no safety net after college. I've lived my life relying on safety nets.

So why can't I let go of the safety net?

I suppose it's not a matter of whether or not I can let go of the safety net, but more so a matter of whether or not I want to let go of the safety net. I'm aware that graduating college creates opportunity to be all that you can be, to dream big and start working your way up. And I'm so thankful for the opportunity to get the education I'm getting. But letting go of the safety net? Being stuck with only yourself and your... potential? It's such a scary thought it nearly makes me sick.

Potential isn't a guarantee of success. Potential isn't a promise for a healthy paycheck. Potential isn't a 100% chance of happiness post-college.

I promise I have a point. Relying on just your potential is a downright terrifying thought. It's even more terrifying when you're a twenty-something with a resume full of "potential." The thing that's the scariest of all though, is realizing just how much potential you have, just how successful you can be-- if only you work for it.

 Changing the cycle that's been your life for the past twenty or so years is hard, I mean, change is hard. And the thing that's so confusing to me right now is that I'm scared of failing, but I'm scared of being successful too. With so much riding on your shoulders, how are you supposed to know what to do? But I guess when life is hard like this, and you don't know which direction to go, the best thing to do is follow your heart, right? 

"What the mind can conceive and believe, and the heart can desire, you can achieve." ~ Norman Vincent Peale

If you're feeling as unsure of the future as I am right now, make this your mantra for this week. Because really, do any of us really know our true potential? I think if we did, we'd all do things a lot differently.

Happy Monday!

xoxo

Monday Inspiration: Give In

Just another manic Monday... or week! If you didn't notice, I was not able to get up a "Weekly Wonders" post last week. It felt like the week just whizzed by and between classes, homework, meetings, and life I just didn't have the time. Goal for this week: Be more on top of things.

Moving on, last week was a whirlwind of emotions and stress. We didn't have classes Monday, but something happened last Sunday that just bummed me out and put me in a funk that made accomplishing anything (besides signing a lease!!) seem impossible. By the time classes on Tuesday rolled around I had no choice but to pick myself up and work my butt off the rest of the week. I was so thankful when Friday came, I was actually dying to go out and just hang out with friends.

Sometimes letting loose with your best friends is the greatest remedy for releasing all the stress that had built up throughout the week. I mentioned here that I tend to feel anything and everything. Last week I was so busy I felt like I didn't have time to even handle anything I was feeling, and it all crept up on me Saturday when I finally had some downtime. 

I learned this summer that not taking the time to acknowledge and handle the feelings you don't want to feel is going to do you more harm in the long run then it will do you good. I was just talking about this with a friend yesterday who was feeling a little down (for good reason). Pushing away feelings you're afraid of or uncomfortable with might be a good remedy in the short term, but you have to give in to them at some point.

The bigger they are the harder they fall, right? I know this idiom is meant to describe failure, but I think it can be applied here as well. The more intense the feeling and emotion you refuse to acknowledge, the longer you harbor it somewhere deep down inside, the worse the heartbreak is going to be when they finally come to light. I've become a big proponent of taking time to consider how I'm feeling in any given situation, why I'm feeling that way, and how I can move on from it.

You can't find peace by avoiding life. You can't find peace by ignoring your emotions. The hardest part of accepting this part of life is accepting that it's okay to feel everything. When you're feeling everything at once though, that's when you run into trouble. You can run from so many things in life, but you can't run from yourself. You can't escape yourself. And your emotions are a part of who you are, a part of what defines you, a part of what defines your life. But that doesn't mean you have to let them run your life.

I'm a very intuitive person. I can tell when someone is struggling. And the one thing all these people have in common? It's not that they're broken, it's the fact that they think they're broken.

We've all been there. We've all felt lost. But if you break once, it's okay. Just don't allow yourself to stay that way. Part of the process of overcoming the tougher emotions in life--heartbreak, grief, loss, even love-- is allowing yourself to feel them. Really, truly, deeply, feel what it is your feeling and don't be sorry about it. We're all human, and we're all just trying to get by. My greatest worry about our society today is that between social media, the pressure to fit in, this "American dream" that always seems so out of reach, people have lost themselves. We've become ghosts just puttering around hoping that one day we stumble upon success. Don't be a ghost. Don't run from who you are. Give in to your emotions, give in to your feelings, and life will find a way to repay you. Honesty is one of the hardest things in life, but it's true what they say, nine times out of ten it's the best policy.

1/2/3

Challenge yourself this week.

xoxo