Oh. my. goodness. Andi. What were you thinking? I mean, I literally can't. I'm pretty sure last night on the Bachelorette my heart broke, and yes, I fully admit to being one of those girls who is completely obsessed with the show. Especially this season. Andi had a great group of guys and even though for whatever reason Nick (more like ick) is in the top two, this has probably been one of my favorite seasons yet.
But, after last night, all I have left to do is hope that Andi finds happiness and pray, pray, pray that Chris becomes the next Bachelor. Because how could he not? Sorry Marcus, you're a little too emotional for me. And I mean, have you seen Chris? I had actually no clue they made farmers like that. I'm moving to Iowa, stat.
An Ode to the Greatest Man to Ever Grace The Bachelorette
The First Night
On Chris's first night (aka the night all the extremely attractive men grace Andi with their presence*), we were smitten. He walked out of that limo and when we found out he was a farmer our first thought was, "How in the world does that even happen?"'
*exceptions being creepy Andrew, two pierced ears Tasos, and the guy who showed up with a lamp because why, just why?
The First Date
Chris and Andi dress up in what Andi refers to as her "40s glam" for a day at the races. An old couple proceeds to ask them how long they've been together because their chemistry is just so spot on. Also prior to heading on this date, Chris mentions the rough night Andi had had before due to some dude getting too drunk at the cocktail party. He hopes he can "cheer her up." In other news, if every girl in America hadn't fallen for him yet, they started to right there.
When We Find Out He's Her Secret Admirer
And that's really all there is to it.
Andi Goes to Meet His Family
Chris let Andi drive his tractor out to the middle of the field where they then had a picnic. It was sickeningly adorable.
Then Chris tells her there are options to be a homemaker in Iowa, and she and the rest of the girls in America are just like...
Def thought he was better than that. Don't worry though they worked it out, and then they proceeded to play hide and seek with his super fun family in the middle of nowhere Iowa. Andi left smitten and we thought Chris was a shoe in for the finale.
When Every Girl in America Started to Worry
At the beginning of Andi and Chris' date in the DR, Andi tells us she's not sure she wants to bring Chris back to the fantasy suite. Being the good person she is, she doesn't know if their relationship is at that level yet (i.e. should she or should she not sleep with him?) I'll never understand it.
And that was the moment we started to think, "Wow, Chris might actually be going home tonight." Cue the nervous jitters and wine chugging while also trying to stuff popcorn in your mouth.
When Andi Breaks Chris' Heart While Simultaneously (Not So Secretly) Pleasing Every Girl in America
Andi and Chris don't even make it to dinner before Andi breaks down in tears and tells Chris she feels like an idiot, but doesn't see a future with him. To which I say, "Well, Andi, you should feel like an idiot. He is pure perfection."
You're going to spend the rest of your life with boring Nick or obsessed-with-his-brother-who-now-plays-for-the-Kansas-City-Chiefs Josh. You could have been an attorney in ole Iowa with ten kids and a nice house and a farm. But I'm sure Josh has enough money from his pro baseball days (is that even a real thing?). And he's cuter than Nick (again, ick.)
The Processing of Chris's Elimination Post-10pm Monday Night
This guy literally doesn't have a flaw. What?!
So that makes him pretty much perfect.
He just looked so hurt in the car on the way back to Iowa.
Why am I not married to him?
I'm 20 and he's 32.
F*** it, I'm moving to Iowa. He won't even know what hit him.
ps. I quit everything if he isn't the next Bachelor.