I know I just did a post on what it means to be "Ms. Perfect", and I was really happy with it when it came to completion. I liked taking the time to define what being perfect means to me. I still stand by everything I said, but I think I left one really important thing out. For the past few weeks I've been stuck. Six months ago, I felt stuck mentally. I've grown so much since then, but now the thing I struggle with most each day is feeling physically stuck. Mix that feeling in with some serious writer's block, and if you're like me, you've got a serious problem.
There are very few things I can do for myself when I feel incapable of putting what I'm thinking down on paper (or in this case, in a blog post.) It didn't take long for me to realize that I am a far more perceptive and observant person than most. Most of the time it's a blessing, but sometimes it just makes me shut down.
"It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live."
I got really wrapped up in the whole being an amazing woman thing; so much so that I forgot I already kind of am one! One of the problems I've always struggled with, for as long as I can remember, is this dream of having the perfect life. I know I already conquered the "what perfect really means" bit, and I'm glad I've defined it for myself, but I don't think I emphasized enough that part of being perfect is allowing yourself to be imperfect.
Since second semester started, I've been focusing through what I can only call tunnel vision. Mind on the prize. Two amazing internships? Check. Good grades? Check. Two jobs? Check.
All the things that are supposed to set me up for an amazing future. Everything that ensures I'll get a good job after I graduate. I forgot what it was like to go out on a Friday night and actually have fun with friends. I forgot what it was like to not have school on your mind every second of every day. I forgot what it was like to have your heart skip a beat. I forgot what it was like to live, and I stopped looking for excuses to not go out, to not hang out with friends.
I've been feeling off balance for months, and now I'm still off balance. Just in the other direction. It's not a comfortable feeling for me-- feeling behind simply because I'm not ahead. I guess I struggle with being imperfect just as much as I struggle with trying to be perfect. I don't know why it is that I was suddenly reminded that life isn't about just doing well. I can't place my finger on just what it was that reminded me that life is also about being well. Life is about being involved, taking risks, and preserving your happiness. And sometimes, part of being well--part of life-- is allowing yourself to take two steps back when all you want to do is sprint forty miles ahead.
It's hard not to wish your life away. To not look towards the future in hopes that it's better and brighter than the present. I've been looking two years down the line now for nearly a year, and while I think it's done me well in some ways, it's hindered me in others.
I don't know where I'm going, but I know it's going to be a long time.
I'm done thinking about what job I'm going to have when I finally graduate. I'm done making sure that I do everything in my power to set me up for success down the line. I know that no matter what happens, I'm going to be fine. I'm done allowing myself to feel that school is everything, and I'm done putting everything that's real and important in my life on the back burner. I don't want to be stuck anymore, or feel like I'm just going through the motions of life. I don't want to dwell on dreams that seem to change everyday. And I can't let those dreams take me away from the present any longer. I want to feel alive again, I want to dream big-- but I want to live for the present too. Too bad balancing the two isn't the easiest thing in the world.
On that note, I guess all that's left to say is... Game. On.
One last thing. I think I broke my writer's block.