I've kind of been on a Tumblr hiatus since school started up again on Monday. So basically I've been going through withdrawals. Last night, as I was scrolling through my dashboard, I came across this quote that just hit me.
"Scare the world: Be exactly who you say you are and tell the truth."
(via I Wrote This For You)
Truth be told, I had a completely different post planned for today. I worried that doing another "inspirational" post (like this one from Monday...) would be a little bit too much inspiration for the week. And then later on last night, I was reading through my daily blog reads and came across this post from Carly at The College Prepster. That was when the writer side of me really took over and I knew I had to do a post along the lines of being real and being true to who you are and the person you want to be.
I don't exactly know why, but this year I've started to really think. I've started to think about my values, learn who to trust, and discover the friends who will be there forever. Maybe it's the fact that I finally entered my twenties, or the fact that I graduate college in a mere three semesters. Regardless, it's made me question everything I want from life more than ever. The older I've gotten, the more I've realized that when it comes down to it I don't know anything. About life, about love or friendship, you name it-- I have yet to learn it.
This isn't to say I don't know how to love or to be a good friend. I do. A part of me that I've come to know extremely well is the part of me that feels everything and anything. For the longest time, it was something I hated about myself. Why couldn't I just not care? Why couldn't I just turn away from the people who didn't approve of me or didn't like me? Why did I have to try and make them accept me?
I spent almost all of high school dismissing how I was feeling as immature or weird. When you're young, gaining the approval of your peers seems like everything. The best thing I've learned in the past two and a half years is to not waste my breath on anything or anyone that I don't feel deserves me, my time, or my heart. I've spent the majority of my life so completely guarded from so much. But when I started to accept my emotions, accept the love of others around me, accept myself, that's when I started to discover the real in me.
My 20th birthday was unlike any other. I felt more excited and more alive. More prepared for the years ahead, the opportunities and challenges and failures I knew lay before me. I attribute it all to having gained a new found faith in myself and in my abilities.
The dreams I had for myself were re-inspired by the many things I've grown to love (even more) immensely in the past year. Writing, taking care of myself--mentally and physically, my friends, my family. I promised myself that my twenties would bring amazing things. And even though I won't be 21 for a whopping ten months, my twenties so far have proven to be very good.
My point is, I was so inspired by Carly's post because I can relate. I don't know what it's like to be in your mid-twenties. My friends tell me it's kind of miserable, and I don't doubt it! Being hammered on by your peers for things they don't like about you? Whether they're telling the truth or not, it hurts. It can bring you right back to ninth grade when all you wanted was to be popular and have the cutest boy in school on your arm.
I love my family, I love my friends. I refuse to foster relationships and friendships that hinder my happiness. My favorite place in the world is Disney World. I have an obsession with Kate Spade. My dream life would be extremely similar to Carrie Bradshaw's. I have absolutely no willpower when it comes to shopping. I'm such a homebody I literally have to force myself to go out and be social on the weekends. I feel naked without make up. And up until a year or so ago, my self-esteem was extremely low. My perfect Friday night is an Audrey Hepburn movie and a cup of hot cocoa. I'm still in a constant battle between wanting to be original and wanting to conform to the "in crowd." My biggest pet peeve is when people try and make their lives seem perfect, because I know they have to be lying! Sass might as well be my middle name, I'm far better at giving it than many people think. And I accepted the fact that I'm a drama queen a while ago. I say that without apology. #sorrynotsorry
"Create a life that feels good on the inside. Not one that just looks good on the outside."
The reason I've been enjoying life so much? I'm in a place where all I want to do is discover more about myself. The best part about growing up is getting to know all these new parts of yourself that you never knew existed. I've been practicing being real with my friends, my family, myself. I have to say, there's nothing more rewarding than discovering who you are and who you're becoming without feeling any need whatsoever to apologize or defend yourself to those who doubt you. People who are real scare the living daylights out of people. The woman who refuses to believe she's inferior to anyone is the most feared thing in the world (or at least she should be.)
Be real. Be present. Be you. Unapologetically.