Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Let It Go

Surprise! This post is not actually about Frozen, so if you were rolling your eyes you can stop now. Monday I wrote about how I'm trying to make this year my year, but there's one specific thing I always find holds me back from recognizing just how lucky I am. I fret over such silly things. Really, I do. Over friends, over guys, my family, school, and so on and so forth. None of these things when taken in a general context should be considered silly, but the tiny, mediocre, little things that come with them? You could call a fair majority of them silly or dumb or whatever.

Truth be told, I'm pretty upset/annoyed/mad right now. I saw something on a certain social media site that made me upset, and in true Emily fashion, now I'm here... writing about it. I should have known I was a writer when all I'd do when I was mad as a kid (aside from scream) was go up to my room and jot down angry poems and/or not-so-impressive song lyrics about whoever had done me wrong this time around.

There's the problem.

I am still mad about the fact that some third grade bully in my class pushed me down at recess (laughing, mind you) and then proceeded to stab me in the forehead with a stick. I still very much so dislike the kid who pushed me down in gym class in sixth grade and hit me with a noodle all because he didn't like my mom (who he had as a teacher-- she's awesome by the way, the kid was a loser). And yes, these are extremely true and scarring stories. #awkwardkidproblems

All that aside, I see now that those instances as a kid made me an adult who refuses to be a doormat. Ask my father, who I will go head-to-head with until I get my point across-- no matter how much yelling is involved. It's a not so great aspect of myself. And then, like my father, I'll proceed to not talk to him for three days until one of us finally mumbles a "hi" as we pass each other in the kitchen.

My friends can almost always tell when I'm upset with them, except for a certain few who I attempt to hide it from and/or just don't care that I'm annoyed with them. But back to the thing I saw on *insert social media platform here*. It was dumb. I got upset. I texted one of my best friends with the usual "What the heck?" text. At this point she's used to receiving these things from me, and when I told her what had happened, all she said was, "Knew it." Completely unsurprised, completely un-phased. Lucky for her, she's gotten used to what consequently ticks me off to no end.

It's really hard to recognize that part of life is accepting that people are going to hurt you. Someone might break your heart and you won't be able to go to a certain place or listen to a specific song without thinking of them. I don't think I'm the first to say that I've felt left out at the hands of my friends. And that'll happen, they'll leave you out of things and include you in others-- no matter how great of a friendship you may have. Sometimes you'll question if the people in your life are helping you or hindering you, if they're hurting you too often, or just once and a while. Are they hurting you for your benefit? Not necessarily purposefully, but in order to get you to see something?

There are so many aspects of friendships that are hard to deal with. So, so, many. I love my friends to death, but 8 times out of 10 they're driving me up a wall. I've always had a hard time with finding a go-to. I have a lot of really, really, great friends, but probably only about three or four go-tos. The girls I'll call the second something goes wrong, or the second I screw up. Those 8 times out of 10? My friends probably aren't meaning to drive me up a wall (at least I hope not). It's a problem within me. It's an unreal struggle within myself to let the small things go. So you missed out on one party? Big deal. It sucks in the moment, but in the long run it doesn't matter.

"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got." ~ R. Brault

Breathe through it and release. Let it go.

Let it go.

I'm sorry. I couldn't not include it.


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