The one thing I hate more than anything in this world is disappointing people. It absolutely destroys me when I let people down, so I obviously do my best not to. But there is a line that gets crossed when you forget how to say no for fear of disappointing those around you. Whether they be employers, friends, or family, sometimes you just have to say no. And I suck at it.
In late July/early August, I found myself saying yes to every opportunity that came my way. I didn't realize that in doing this I had also bitten off far, far, far (far) more than I could chew. When classes started, it became even more apparent that I was not only essentially losing my mind, but my work was suffering too. If anything, this summer has taught me that I by no means want my entire life to be work. It also taught me that by saying yes to so many things, I was basically sabotaging myself.
In the past week, I finished up an internship, I dropped two shifts at the gym I work at, and I spent two whole days worrying about nothing work or school-related whatsoever. I changed my days at my other internship to Mondays and Wednesdays so that I could have Fridays all clear. And last Friday I slept until 11. I made myself a healthy breakfast, watched some TV, did some serious Pinterest-ing, and then went to get my first manicure in months. There were a few moments here and there where I found myself worrying about this or that, what assignment was due, or whether or not I was going to get this project done for my internship. But for the first time in what felt like months I pushed those thoughts from my mind. I just couldn't afford them.
I was so busy all summer that my happiness was on the line. One minute I'd be on cloud nine and the next thinking the whole of the world was out to get me. I've been feeling so incredibly off balance lately that I forgot what just living was like. I realized that it was okay to take a day to do the things I enjoy doing. I baked an apple crisp, I drank some wine, I spent quality time with friends, and I did a whole lot of nothing. It was down-right amazing.
When I was younger, I never had a problem saying no to people. I think I saw growing up as a sort of end to that freedom. The freedom to say no. But if there was anything younger Emily had going for her it was that she always knew what was best for herself. And now I guess I'm just trying to get back to that. I don't have to do it all. I can say "no" to people. I can do what's best for me, unapologetically.
And that's 100% okay.