One Little Memory

I think the hardest thing about growing up and moving on is most definitely leaving home. By the time kids are heading to college, most of them are, in fact, ready to leave home and start out on a new adventure. I was not one of those kids.

In all honesty, when I moved out of my house at the start of last month I was extremely nervous. I had lived away from home before, but in a dorm with a meal plan and heat/hot water that I didn't have to pay for. And even though I still go home multiple times a week, mostly due to the fact that I have become a pro food moocher-offer, sometimes I still get nostalgic thinking about my childhood home.

As I'm writing this, I'm sitting in my bedroom in my new place listening to one of the biggest storms of the summer roll out of town. When I was a kid I used to be terrified of thunder storms, now I find them calming (unless I'm driving in them, then not so much.) Whenever it rained my mom would always sit in her chair and read a book, or if my nana was up then you could always find her sitting in our living room, a book on her lap but her face turned toward the window, watching the raindrops fall. It's these kind of little memories that made leaving home hard.

 If I wasn't always there, would I miss them all?

Cross the Lines You Drew

It's no surprise that there are multiple ways that people handle the truth. As I've gotten older, I've found it far more difficult to acknowledge the harder truths in life-- so much so that for a while, I got really good at pretending they didn't even exist. My family couldn't be touched by death, loss, disappointment, failure, and so on. I quickly found between my senior year of high school and the end of my freshman year of college that that was just not the case. I was extremely lucky, but my family wasn't untouchable.

It's been two and a half years since I really first realized that life was going to have major ups and downs, and yet I'm still just barely learning how I handle the ups and downs--especially the big, life-changing ones. Surprise, surprise! I'm not so good at it. If there is anything that triggers my anxiety like no other, it's change. Can you see how that's not so convenient when you're a 20 year old one year away from graduating college?

Let It Go

Surprise! This post is not actually about Frozen, so if you were rolling your eyes you can stop now. Monday I wrote about how I'm trying to make this year my year, but there's one specific thing I always find holds me back from recognizing just how lucky I am. I fret over such silly things. Really, I do. Over friends, over guys, my family, school, and so on and so forth. None of these things when taken in a general context should be considered silly, but the tiny, mediocre, little things that come with them? You could call a fair majority of them silly or dumb or whatever.

Truth be told, I'm pretty upset/annoyed/mad right now. I saw something on a certain social media site that made me upset, and in true Emily fashion, now I'm here... writing about it. I should have known I was a writer when all I'd do when I was mad as a kid (aside from scream) was go up to my room and jot down angry poems and/or not-so-impressive song lyrics about whoever had done me wrong this time around.

Monday Inspiration: The Most Important Relationship You'll Ever Be In

Photo via Inslee

I will quote Carrie Bradshaw until the day I die. In all honesty, I think she's one of the smartest people on the planet. Fictional character though she may be, she had a ton of amazing advice for girls the world over!

"The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well that's just fabulous."

Now I've never had a serious relationship. What I've learned about guys has come from very short "flings" and one major crush. I've experienced immense heartbreak, just not at the hand of a guy (yet, anyways.) Truthfully, I think half the reason I've never been able to commit to someone is because I've spent so much time learning to love myself first.

A lot of "grown-ups" would say this is a good thing, that you have to love yourself first before you can fully commit to anyone. And I think they're right, but I also think that you have to go through good and bad relationships to learn more about yourself. I suppose that's where I fall short.

Love You, For You

It's kind of a funny thing because all my friends who are in relationships will turn to me for advice on what to do when they're having issues with their significant other. I have no idea why. I'm the most emotionally reserved person I know, I could literally go years without telling someone what's really on my mind. As a matter of fact, I have. And it sucked. I pride myself on knowing myself so well and on having taken the time to learn how to love myself, but in the process I made a lot of people my punching bags.

I think because I spent so much time focusing on myself I really missed some opportunities for good relationships. I'm extremely good at being selfish, to the point of it being my major downfall. But this is where I've looked to my friends. The girls who have been able to give themselves to someone completely; the girls who have put their hearts on what I would refer to as the chopping block.

They're the bravest girls I know.

A lot of my girlfriends have gone down many different paths. Some have chosen to weather the storm and work for their long-distance relationship, for others it hasn't worked out so well. Some have had their hearts broken on roller coaster romances that have lasted for years and years, and others are just finally settling into what looks like a promising relationship. I admire them. I see their strengths and how they've grown as they've come to recognize themselves as not an "I", but a "we." But being on the outside looking in has it's faults too.

While these girls are some of the most selfless people I know, selflessness can be both a blessing and a curse. I think a lot of people can lose themselves in their relationship. Men and women alike! And I'm not saying that any of my friends have. At least not from what I've noticed. But what worries me, is that if I were to enter into a relationship, if "I" were to become a "we", who would I be anymore?

I've heard of multiple girls that are my age who have become so lost in the process of looking for someone to make them happy. Their loneliness guides them to men who have no idea who they actually are, or worse, to men who just... don't care. There's nothing people fear more than being lonely. People tend to confuse relationships with completion rather than companionship.

The only relationship that's going to complete you though, is the relationship you have with yourself. I've seen girls say, "Well my boyfriend really likes this dress so I'm going to wear this one instead." Wear whatever freaking dress you want! It's great that you want to impress your boyfriend, but if you don't feel your 100% absolute best in the dress that he loves, then is it really the perfect fit?

It's so easy-- so so easy, to let the idea of love fuel the need to fill whatever void it is that your heart is nursing. But the idea of love isn't going to be the thing that completes you. Falling in love with the perfect man isn't going to be the thing that completes you. Falling in love with yourself though? Loving every single aspect of yourself? Flaws and all, without apology? That's going to be the thing that makes you whole in the end. 

The relationship you have with yourself is the hardest one you'll ever have, but it's also the most rewarding. Pushing yourself to expand your horizons, challenge your limits, and question your beliefs is what builds character. The fact that you get so incredibly worked up over sports events, or that you can't go to bed without the kitchen clean is what makes you you. And somebody is going to love those aspects of you one day SO much they won't know what to do with themselves. But they're never going to be able to love you as you are, if you don't love yourself first.

Love yourself. Be yourself. Challenge yourself. And when all else fails, imagine yourself as Blair. Because really, what girl loves herself more than fabulous Blair Waldorf?

xoxo

Monday Inspiration: Dress Yourself in Strength

So, you know how I was bummed on Friday? My poor mood was only made worse by the fact that my flight to Colorado was cancelled, changed, then cancelled again. And now I have to wait until the summer to make it out there. Trust me when I say I'm disappointed. Luckily for me, I have fabulous family here in Massachusetts and they have helped cheer me up tremendously over the weekend.

If there's one thing I've learned in the past week, it's that you can't control everything in life (sigh). I've come to accept this more so this year than ever. When it comes to how other people act and things like the weather, I've found you kind of just have to take a deep breath and roll with it. When life hands you lemons, you really just have to learn to make that lemonade.

Last Monday, after writing my New Year's post, I decided that I really and truly wanted to make 2014 my year. I even made a Pinterest board for inspiration... (follow it here!) As I was pinning pin upon pin, I realized just how many of my choices in life were driven by fear. The decision to not say how I'm feeling, to not go to that gym class because I'm terrified of embarrassing myself, to not take that hard class with that mean professor for fear that it'll tear me apart. 

Starting this blog was an absolutely terrifying experience. When I saw that even twenty people read my very first post about my trip to Europe, I teared up. And I felt so relieved. The part of me that always cared what people thought, the part of me that worried about those who would think, "Why did she start a blog? What could she have to say?", has slowly (and I mean slowly...) faded away-- post by post.

A few things have happened in my life that have made me feel like an unbelievably weak human being. The first two years of college were, in all honesty, horrible. My junior year is proving to be much different. I'm finally at a place where I'm not wasting my time on people who could care less about me, I'm not trying to nurse friendships that don't stand a chance, and I'm making my happiness my top priority.

When friends come to me for advice, almost always I can be quoted saying, "You're in your twenties, your life is just beginning. Do what you want to do and let everything else figure itself out." The problem with being in your twenties is that you second guess every move you make though, isn't it?

I'm just so sick of questioning myself. I love this quote about not requiring validation from anyone. Everyone is always telling me, "Enjoy your twenties, they'll fly by!" And after years of wishing year upon year away, I suppose it's time to take their advice. As depressing as it sounds, I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't feel like the weakest link. Nowadays, I've never been more confident in who I am and who I want to be. (And I can't tell you enough that when you start believing in yourself, everything else really does just fall into place!)

"Sky above me. Earth below me. Fire within me."

Growing up is hard. Being a teen is hard. High school, college, balancing friendships and relationships, good grief. Sometimes it's the worst! But you've got to dress yourself every day in strength. Designer jeans, that cashmere sweater from J. Crew, and Tory Burch riding boots might make for a great outfit, but it all means nothing if the woman who's wearing them isn't beautiful and strong from the inside out.

Go kick some butt this week ladies. Happy Monday!

xoxo

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