changes.

After much contemplation, and random posts here and there, I finally realized the issue I was having. I've realized I've been experiencing what I can only call a blogger identity crisis. Class & Sass was great for the time in my life when I created it, but I created it out of pure hope that it would give me some source of inspiration or motivation (for what, I'm not sure..). Then, as the year progressed and I grew, I realized that my blog, while I LOVED it, was not necessarily the most accurate representation of myself. 

So...

This is Life, Lemons & Vodka, and it's my new baby. And I also have a feeling that it's a blog that's going to stick. I was talking with a few people (the ones who know me extremely, extremely well) about how I was feeling. I didn't know if it was time to let go of Class & Sass, but I knew deep down that it wasn't me anymore. I'm classy, but I definitely err on the sassier side more. I curse like a sailor, I drink far more wine than I should, and I can't put a face on if I try. If I'm annoyed you're going to hear about it, and if I'm happy you're going to hear about it. I will never be a "prepster" and I hate the thought that for even a minute I thought it best to identify myself that way. 

Another thing I've come to realize? I would definitely recognize my absence as a hiatus now. I was in denial that Class & Sass wasn't the right blog for me to be writing anymore. Then I ran into someone  I barely knew (at a bar of all places) who walked up to me and asked if I was still writing. His mom's a reader and he copped up to have reading before, and it just made me remember how much I love this little corner of the internet. It's my little corner of the internet, and a sort of safe haven. As I embark on my journey into the real world in the next two months, I couldn't see a better way to cope than by writing.

Life, Lemons & Vodka has seemed more like me than Class & Sass from the moment I thought of it. And while I've kept my old posts active, things around here will be changing a bit. I never want to ditch Class & Sass completely, it started my blogging career after all-- but it was time to move on. It's like a relationship. When it ends, you're (hopefully) thankful for it, you've (definitely) grown from it, and you're over it.

xo

Tough Love

Have you ever been venting to someone and when it came time for them to give some much-needed advice, it just... wasn't what you wanted to hear? Or if you get a double whammy, it wasn't what you wanted to hear and it just downright hurt. I'm right in saying we've all had those moments, right? Am I also right in saying that often times, friendships take complete turns after someone is just completely honest with you? Whether it be about where they're at, or where you're at, the raw truth can have serious impacts on friendships.

Making the Cut

We all reach a point in our lives where we're just sick of the bulls***. We're sick of fake smiling at people we don't like, sick of holding onto friendships that don't serve us in a positive way, sick of trying to be somebody we're not to please those around us. Sick of feeling like we're stuck in this never-ending bubble of scrutiny from every which way. In case you haven't gathered this, I kind of learned a lot of life lessons this summer, so buckle up-- because they're all starting to really hit me.

I feel like I've always been the girl with a wide range of friends. I could hang out with different "groups" in high school and get along fine, but it wasn't until a few years ago that I really found my inner circle. I'm a firm believer in the idea that every girl needs a close, tight-knit group of friends.

Growing up, I had a lot of great friendships that came and went-- some that even still linger. But when life gets busy, and your best friends move to new cities, and they find new friends to have amazing adventures with, it gets hard to stay in touch. I think a lot of us have a really hard time grasping this, the idea that it's okay to move on. Some friendships aren't meant to last forever, and there comes a point where you're just not willing to give up some precious free time for people who ultimately don't mean that much to you. You were friendly acquaintances once upon a time, but now you want to spend your weekends with the girls who have been with you through it all. To hell and back. And then back again.

 The majority of people I love the most I speak to every day--partially because I live with two of them, partially because I like to annoy a select few of them with random texts consisting of solely emojis, and partially because a girl's best friends aren't going to leave her alone ever (even when you sometimes maybe want them to!) But then I also have the best friends I talk to once in a while, but when we're together everything is the same.

It's these friendships that I value the most. The girls who have made the cut. A lot of us spend a fair majority of high school (and college, even) trying to figure out where we belong. Who will be the ones holding your hair back and letting you cry over everything and anything? Who will be the ones coming into your room on Sunday morning to go over the night before? Who will be the ones standing next to you on your wedding day? Who will be the ones that the boy who broke your heart is down right terrified of?

It's okay to make the cut. It's healthy for people to move on as they grow older. Every friendship we've ever had has taught us something special, and that's the point of some friendships. You acknowledge what this person taught you, and you go on with your life. But the girls who made the cut? There's a good chance that once they've made it, they'll stay there. Forever. And that's all that really matters in the end. We all know who said our best friends are our real soul mates, right?

xo

Saying No

The one thing I hate more than anything in this world is disappointing people. It absolutely destroys me when I let people down, so I obviously do my best not to. But there is a line that gets crossed when you forget how to say no for fear of disappointing those around you. Whether they be employers, friends, or family, sometimes you just have to say no. And I suck at it.

In late July/early August, I found myself saying yes to every opportunity that came my way. I didn't realize that in doing this I had also bitten off far, far, far (far) more than I could chew. When classes started, it became even more apparent that I was not only essentially losing my mind, but my work was suffering too. If anything, this summer has taught me that I by no means want my entire life to be work. It also taught me that by saying yes to so many things, I was basically sabotaging myself.

In the past week, I finished up an internship, I dropped two shifts at the gym I work at, and I spent two whole days worrying about nothing work or school-related whatsoever. I changed my days at my other internship to Mondays and Wednesdays so that I could have Fridays all clear. And last Friday I slept until 11. I made myself a healthy breakfast, watched some TV, did some serious Pinterest-ing, and then went to get my first manicure in months. There were a few moments here and there where I found myself worrying about this or that, what assignment was due, or whether or not I was going to get this project done for my internship. But for the first time in what felt like months I pushed those thoughts from my mind. I just couldn't afford them.

I was so busy all summer that my happiness was on the line. One minute I'd be on cloud nine and the next thinking the whole of the world was out to get me. I've been feeling so incredibly off balance lately that I forgot what just living was like. I realized that it was okay to take a day to do the things I enjoy doing. I baked an apple crisp, I drank some wine, I spent quality time with friends, and I did a whole lot of nothing. It was down-right amazing.

When I was younger, I never had a problem saying no to people. I think I saw growing up as a sort of end to that freedom. The freedom to say no. But if there was anything younger Emily had going for her it was that she always knew what was best for herself. And now I guess I'm just trying to get back to that. I don't have to do it all. I can say "no" to people. I can do what's best for me, unapologetically.

And that's 100% okay.

Sticks and Stones

I missed Monday's usual post because I had a hell of a weekend and life just got in the way of things. And just when I thought my reign of bad luck was at an end, I met an asshole at the gym while I was working yesterday. Really, I kid you not.

Let me tell you what happened.

(p.s. can you tell I'm not too happy about it?)

Stronger

You guys. Life has been so, so good lately. 

So why is the title of this post "Stronger"? The answer is really extremely simple. Regardless of the fact that almost every aspect of my life is going incredibly well right now, I am still prone to the dreaded anxiety attack. As I'm writing this, my stomach is literally in knots, my heart is pounding and I feel like there is a 100 pound weight on my chest; and in true Emily fashion, I have no freaking clue why. If I'm being honest, I think this post is my own sort of therapy session to explore why I'm feeling this way. Congratulations, I trust you (my lovely readers) with my less-than-sane (yet totally normal for a 20-something) antics.

What do you do when the future is right around the corner, but you're still hanging onto the past by the tips of your fingernails? When you're so close to being ready to let go of all that has made you you, and move on to all that will make you who you are ten years from now, is it okay to feel scared s**tless? Because I'm scared s**tless.

And my friends, it's not fun. It's not fun thinking every day (and pardon my French here), "Holy s**t, I'm a senior in college. Oh my gosh, in less than a year my life is going to be drastically different than everything I've known for essentially my whole life." It's not fun thinking about friends getting married and moving in with boyfriends and that I should be doing the same, yet here I am focusing on my career. It's not fun thinking that failure could be around every corner I turn for the next five to ten years. It's not fun thinking that before I know it I'm going to be thrown into a world that has yet to open it's arms to me and welcome me in. It's not fun thinking that the real world never opens it's arms to you in a welcoming, warm hug. Basically, nothing about right now is fun. It's all down right terrifying.

I'm really good at pushing all of these thoughts to the back of my mind and forcing myself to not worry about them. The way I see it, I want to enjoy this next year with as few panic attacks as possible. But when I'm laying in bed it's hard to not think about it all. I'm excited. And nervous. And everything in between.

In two and a half months I celebrate another birthday, and when I start to look back on this year, I see how much I've changed. My views on so many things-- friendships, relationships, life in general-- it's all changed. I think the thing that's really scaring me the most is the fact that for the first time in my life I feel prepared to take on all the twists and turns heading my way in the coming years. Don't get me wrong, I'm still scared to death of them. But lately when I look in the mirror, I don't see a little girl anymore. I might live an extremely sheltered life, but when I look in the mirror I see someone who's seen enough of the world to know that it can swallow you whole, I see a young lady ready to grow into the woman she's meant to be. Sometimes I miss the "Part of Your World"-singing, curly blonde-haired child that I used to be. Sometimes I can't wait to see the woman I am five, ten years down the line. And sometimes, I just want to stay right here, stuck in the in-between. But that doesn't mean it's not a hard place to be.

If I'm being completely honest with you all right now, yes, I am totally and 100% completely afraid of failing. I'm terrified of not leaving after college and of getting stuck in a place that I love and am comfortable in, but want desperately to leave. I'm terrified of not getting the right job, of not doing the right thing after graduation. I'm terrified of it all. But at the same time I'm not. It's so conflicting! The other half of the whole truth is, I'm scared because I'm ready to face it all head-on. I'm scared because I'm stronger than I've ever been. And if that makes me a walking contradiction, then I guess that's what I am--because I'm beginning to think being scared and being strong might be the same thing.

Damn Regret

I've been hearing a lot about exes lately. Not mine, but my friends. And I love being there for them, and I have my own things that I look back on and regret doing or saying. We all do. It's impossible not to. But the past few weeks especially I've noticed just how much regret gets in the way of our futures. We all fear it so much that we're consumed by it. But why?

One Little Memory

I think the hardest thing about growing up and moving on is most definitely leaving home. By the time kids are heading to college, most of them are, in fact, ready to leave home and start out on a new adventure. I was not one of those kids.

In all honesty, when I moved out of my house at the start of last month I was extremely nervous. I had lived away from home before, but in a dorm with a meal plan and heat/hot water that I didn't have to pay for. And even though I still go home multiple times a week, mostly due to the fact that I have become a pro food moocher-offer, sometimes I still get nostalgic thinking about my childhood home.

As I'm writing this, I'm sitting in my bedroom in my new place listening to one of the biggest storms of the summer roll out of town. When I was a kid I used to be terrified of thunder storms, now I find them calming (unless I'm driving in them, then not so much.) Whenever it rained my mom would always sit in her chair and read a book, or if my nana was up then you could always find her sitting in our living room, a book on her lap but her face turned toward the window, watching the raindrops fall. It's these kind of little memories that made leaving home hard.

 If I wasn't always there, would I miss them all?

Cross the Lines You Drew

It's no surprise that there are multiple ways that people handle the truth. As I've gotten older, I've found it far more difficult to acknowledge the harder truths in life-- so much so that for a while, I got really good at pretending they didn't even exist. My family couldn't be touched by death, loss, disappointment, failure, and so on. I quickly found between my senior year of high school and the end of my freshman year of college that that was just not the case. I was extremely lucky, but my family wasn't untouchable.

It's been two and a half years since I really first realized that life was going to have major ups and downs, and yet I'm still just barely learning how I handle the ups and downs--especially the big, life-changing ones. Surprise, surprise! I'm not so good at it. If there is anything that triggers my anxiety like no other, it's change. Can you see how that's not so convenient when you're a 20 year old one year away from graduating college?

Let It Go

Surprise! This post is not actually about Frozen, so if you were rolling your eyes you can stop now. Monday I wrote about how I'm trying to make this year my year, but there's one specific thing I always find holds me back from recognizing just how lucky I am. I fret over such silly things. Really, I do. Over friends, over guys, my family, school, and so on and so forth. None of these things when taken in a general context should be considered silly, but the tiny, mediocre, little things that come with them? You could call a fair majority of them silly or dumb or whatever.

Truth be told, I'm pretty upset/annoyed/mad right now. I saw something on a certain social media site that made me upset, and in true Emily fashion, now I'm here... writing about it. I should have known I was a writer when all I'd do when I was mad as a kid (aside from scream) was go up to my room and jot down angry poems and/or not-so-impressive song lyrics about whoever had done me wrong this time around.