When You Believe in Something

I got back from Mexico safe and sound yesterday, and tomorrow I am off to Disney World with my family! A hectic two weeks, but fun none the less. After spending all last night doing laundry so I'd be prepared for our drive down to Providence today, it's safe to say I'm pretty exhausted. Excited to be going to Disney, not so excited my parents chose to fly us out of an airport that is five (yes, FIVE) hours away from home.

But, I can't really complain because I'm lucky enough to still be going on vacation with them at 20. It's likely to be one of my last family vacations for a long time (seeing as after next year I have to actually be a real grown up...), so I'm planning on cherishing the time I get to spend with my family in our favorite place! Yes, we may or may not call Disney World our home away from home. My brother insists he doesn't like Disney, but I think he secretly enjoys it! Not that he'll ever admit it...

Five Things

Want to know how awkward it is to stalk yourself on Facebook? Okay, I know we all do it... but I actually had a purpose this time. Looking for selfies. You'll know why in a bit. Anyways, I've been seeing people in my news feed posting to a page called Gratitude Journal. I'd join it but you have to post three things a day, and most people do it first thing in the morning, but I never go on Facebook in the morning. I tend to try and remind myself what I'm most grateful for each night before I go to bed. 

But anyways, lately I've been feeling kind of grateful for myself. But before you call me conceited, hear me out! 

It takes a lot to be a strong person, and while I have my weaknesses I think I am an inherently strong-willed girl. Mentally I'm in a completely different place than I've ever been, but I still have days where I just get so down on myself. And I find myself consciously reminding myself of how good a person I am-- something I think everybody needs to do. You can't be the best version of yourself at any given time without believing you're the best you you can be... for now, anyways.

So, I thought for today's post I'd write five things I like about myself. You should grab a journal and do it too! Sometimes the only person who can convince you of just how amazing you are is yourself.

#loveyourselfie

1. I'm Loyal.

I'm so fiercely loyal to my friends and my family (and my dog) and my beliefs that sometimes I think it's a bad thing. Actually, it has proven to be a bad thing a few times in the past... especially when someone turns out to be someone completely different than who you thought they were. Thankfully it doesn't happen often, but it takes a lot of patience for someone to be loyal. I mean, all the buttons people you love can push can get to be a lot, but at the end of the day I'd do anything for my friends and family. They're everything to me.

2. I'm Hard-working.

Since I was 15 I've held down a job (or two, or three...). And I've been a full-time student. And now I have an internship on top of all of that. I may be too busy for my own good, but I love it. It keeps me going and keeps me motivated when it comes to making sure I set myself up for success.

3. I'm a Dreamer.

Literally last night when I was going to bed, I told myself to dream of Paris. And guess what! I did. Then I woke up fully believing I was going to move there and learn French after working for a couple years following graduation. Wouldn't that be lovely? La Vie en Rose may or may not be on repeat all day today... But hey, dreams keep me going.

4. I'm a family gal.

Sometimes I think it's weird because one of my favorite people to hang out with is my mom. Sunday nights are my favorite because of our family dinners with our neighbors, and the holidays are the best in my book. And while my family does tend to drive me a little crazy at times (don't they all?!), there's nothing better than a family vacation.

5. I'm Confident. (#myrealselfie)

I think this comes with age, but I'm lucky because despite all my insecurities I've always considered myself to be an overall confident person. A lot of people tell me I'm intimidating which I find funny because 98% of the time I'm doing something completely illogical. But I've found that when you believe in yourself and who you are, good things come your way. Things that are meant for you, people you're meant to stumble upon, memories you're meant to make, and I find something unbelievably surreal in that.

Gotta say, I thought a "sweat pants, hair-tied (except for not in this one), chilling with no make up (and glasses) on" look would be far more intimidating to share with the world. Be proud of who you are, imperfections and all.

xoxo, 

Em

Dwelling on Dreams

I know I just did a post on what it means to be "Ms. Perfect", and I was really happy with it when it came to completion. I liked taking the time to define what being perfect means to me. I still stand by everything I said, but I think I left one really important thing out. For the past few weeks I've been stuck. Six months ago, I felt stuck mentally. I've grown so much since then, but now the thing I struggle with most each day is feeling physically stuck. Mix that feeling in with some serious writer's block, and if you're like me, you've got a serious problem.

There are very few things I can do for myself when I feel incapable of putting what I'm thinking down on paper (or in this case, in a blog post.) It didn't take long for me to realize that I am a far more perceptive and observant person than most. Most of the time it's a blessing, but sometimes it just makes me shut down.

"It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live."

I got really wrapped up in the whole being an amazing woman thing; so much so that I forgot I already kind of am one! One of the problems I've always struggled with, for as long as I can remember, is this dream of having the perfect life. I know I already conquered the "what perfect really means" bit, and I'm glad I've defined it for myself, but I don't think I emphasized enough that part of being perfect is allowing yourself to be imperfect.

Since second semester started, I've been focusing through what I can only call tunnel vision. Mind on the prize. Two amazing internships? Check. Good grades? Check. Two jobs? Check.

All the things that are supposed to set me up for an amazing future. Everything that ensures I'll get a good job after I graduate. I forgot what it was like to go out on a Friday night and actually have fun with friends. I forgot what it was like to not have school on your mind every second of every day. I forgot what it was like to have your heart skip a beat. I forgot what it was like to live, and I stopped looking for excuses to not go out, to not hang out with friends.

I've been feeling off balance for months, and now I'm still off balance. Just in the other direction. It's not a comfortable feeling for me-- feeling behind simply because I'm not ahead. I guess I struggle with being imperfect just as much as I struggle with trying to be perfect. I don't know why it is that I was suddenly reminded that life isn't about just doing well. I can't place my finger on just what it was that reminded me that life is also about being well. Life is about being involved, taking risks, and preserving your happiness. And sometimes, part of being well--part of life-- is allowing yourself to take two steps back when all you want to do is sprint forty miles ahead.

It's hard not to wish your life away. To not look towards the future in hopes that it's better and brighter than the present. I've been looking two years down the line now for nearly a year, and while I think it's done me well in some ways, it's hindered me in others.

I don't know where I'm going, but I know it's going to be a long time.

I'm done thinking about what job I'm going to have when I finally graduate. I'm done making sure that I do everything in my power to set me up for success down the line. I know that no matter what happens, I'm going to be fine. I'm done allowing myself to feel that school is everything, and I'm done putting everything that's real and important in my life on the back burner. I don't want to be stuck anymore, or feel like I'm just going through the motions of life. I don't want to dwell on dreams that seem to change everyday. And I can't let those dreams take me away from the present any longer. I want to feel alive again, I want to dream big-- but I want to live for the present too. Too bad balancing the two isn't the easiest thing in the world.

On that note, I guess all that's left to say is... Game. On.

xoxo

One last thing. I think I broke my writer's block.

Monday Inspiration: Forget the Safety Net

Have you ever done anything that has scared the living daylights out of you? I mean it literally scared you to no end? I know I've written about fear before. I'm no stranger to it. But I wanted to write about it again because writing is how I cope with things. I'm afraid of a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot.

I'm not just talking about scary movies and Halloween haunted forest rides (can't do either...), I'm talking about life in general. I think so far being 20 has been the scariest age. I'm already young for where I am in school, and now it's starting to become more and more of a reality that I'll be graduating college in a little over a year. I still remember my first day of middle school, and thinking I had all this time left to grow up. Yeah right.

We all have our fears, mostly of what can break us. But have you ever been scared of your potential?

You're probably thinking I'm crazy right now. Who's scared of who they could be? Most people just want to go out there and be the best person they can be. And don't get me wrong, I want that too. I want to build a life I'm proud of; I have a list of things I'd like to accomplish, dreams I'd like to fulfill, goals to aspire to.

But I think what's really getting to me right now is that I'm starting to fully grasp the range of my potential. And it's not a bad thing, as a matter of fact, it's kind of a good thing. I'm not trying to say, "Oh my gosh I have so many amazing things lined up for me and life is going to be awesome and go me." I'm not that optimistic.

Truth be told though, junior year has opened up some pretty amazing opportunities. I'm learning more than I ever thought I would (in a professional sphere and in a personal sphere), and even though I've still got a lot of growing up to do, I finally feel like I have a relatively mature handle on things.

This weird thing happened on my 20th birthday. All of a sudden it was like, holy cow, my life is actually starting. There is no safety net after college. I've lived my life relying on safety nets.

So why can't I let go of the safety net?

I suppose it's not a matter of whether or not I can let go of the safety net, but more so a matter of whether or not I want to let go of the safety net. I'm aware that graduating college creates opportunity to be all that you can be, to dream big and start working your way up. And I'm so thankful for the opportunity to get the education I'm getting. But letting go of the safety net? Being stuck with only yourself and your... potential? It's such a scary thought it nearly makes me sick.

Potential isn't a guarantee of success. Potential isn't a promise for a healthy paycheck. Potential isn't a 100% chance of happiness post-college.

I promise I have a point. Relying on just your potential is a downright terrifying thought. It's even more terrifying when you're a twenty-something with a resume full of "potential." The thing that's the scariest of all though, is realizing just how much potential you have, just how successful you can be-- if only you work for it.

 Changing the cycle that's been your life for the past twenty or so years is hard, I mean, change is hard. And the thing that's so confusing to me right now is that I'm scared of failing, but I'm scared of being successful too. With so much riding on your shoulders, how are you supposed to know what to do? But I guess when life is hard like this, and you don't know which direction to go, the best thing to do is follow your heart, right? 

"What the mind can conceive and believe, and the heart can desire, you can achieve." ~ Norman Vincent Peale

If you're feeling as unsure of the future as I am right now, make this your mantra for this week. Because really, do any of us really know our true potential? I think if we did, we'd all do things a lot differently.

Happy Monday!

xoxo