When I start writing, I usually try to think of a title first thing. I'm a very logical person, so logically it makes sense to me to think of a title and then write the post, you know? Anyway, I'm usually extremely successful at it. Or at least I was, until today.
Sometimes I'm curious if I'm the only one who goes through weeks at a time where I just feel totally and completely uninspired by anything and everything in my life. I turned 21, so I've been a bit busier than usual. I went to New York City last weekend, and I was in Boston this past weekend. I've had a great time and spent far too much money on
wine and clothes things I really needed... but in spite of all that fun, I've just been in a funk.
I went to write this post knowing that I needed to write to get whatever it was I was feeling off my chest. I write every night before bed in a journal and I looked back on what I wrote over the past two weeks. A lot of it rotated around fear. Fear of letting go, and fear of moving on. It's not a new feeling to me as I'm sure you all know given how many times I've written about it. But there it was-- what I was going to write about-- fear, yet again. And then I came to write the title of the post and was utterly lost.
photo; modified by Emily Blauvelt
It sounds funny, but I realized then and there what was wrong with me. I've been trying so hard to envision a life for myself that seems ideal, and forgetting to actually focus on the here and now. I've been trying to figure out what the title of my life story will be called, before fully appreciating and taking part in the life experiences that make it a story worth telling.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about who I could be a year from now. It feels like I'm drowning in a sea of what if's. I hate constantly asking myself whether or not I can do something. Because the truth is, up until this point in my life, I have managed to prove myself time and time again. And, if the future is anything like the past, then I'll continue to do so. But it's scary-- this point in my life. It's different than graduating high school; there is no safety net, and I've never been without a net to catch me if I fall.
At this point in life, it's really easy to worry about how your actions now affect your future later. It's a good thing to worry about, but not in excess. I wouldn't be the woman I am today without having done the things I've done to get here. You can't forget to live because you're afraid of who you'll be a few years down the line. It's easy to miss things that are happening now because you're so focused on where you'll be in the future. But you got rid of the blinders, and get past the idea of there being any kind of prize in the future. You can't write the title of a story without actually having a story, because without a story, a title means nothing. In my rapidly expanding book of life lessons, when you're talking about people, a title is what people first judge you by, but a story consists of all the people and emotions and events that have made you you. So don't forget to write your story, but more importantly, don't forget to live it.
"Every story is based on a truth. Your truth."
p.s. YES I most absolutely purposefully used a picture of Taylor Swift for this post because 1989 drops today! WHO'S EXCITED?!